Thursday, November 11, 2010

"I am not a Kleenex. Thank you.", and other things I've muttered as a mother

“I am not a Kleenex. Thank you.”
At that moment a journal entry began with randomly jotted notes of things that fly off the tongue in the heat of battle with offspring. The things I never thought I’d say. Ever.
A mom at school was chatting yesterday about how her neighbors are expecting their first baby. We giggled. We laughed. We chuckled. ...What those neighbors don't know!
The day our first was born. Ahhhh. What we didn’t know was, perhaps, good for us.

But it wasn't long before I found myself uttering phrases I never imagined. Life had changed from spewing side effects, dosing directions, and interactions to complete strangers as a pharmacist, into a full blown identity crisis as a mom. I'd gone from slinging Ritalin and Pepcid into prescription bottles to slinging peanut butter and jelly onto whatever I could find.

The following list is muttered over and over in our household, unfortunately. There is a running list of these comments kept in the house and we add to it every so often.
Here are a few of the most common ‘favorites’.

~ Please remove your finger from your nose.

~ Take that off of your head, a diaper is not a hat.

~ No, he doesn’t have a baby in his belly.

~ Get off the dog, Dudley is not a horse.

~ The violin is not a guitar.

~ Please stop licking the floor.

~You can’t just pee on anyone’s car, only pee on our car.

~ Please stop sucking your toe.

~ That's not the neighbor's sandbox, it’s kitty litter. We don’t play in it.

~ Please stop licking your brother.

~ Dog treats are only for dogs. People treats are for people.

~ No, it’s not ok to touch his penis.

~ Peanut butter is not paint.

~ Pennies do not go in the CD player. It is not a bank.

~ Get your teeth off of his arm please.

~ Please do not touch Miss Katherine’s boobies. That is rude.

~ Whoo-hoo! He peed the bathtub!

~ Please don’t drink the bathwater.

~ Speak to me in English, not French.

~ Fine, fight with your sister, just do it in French.

~ Batteries don’t go in the VCR. Thank you.

~ The computer mouse is not a race car. Give it back.

~ Yes, underwear is necessary.

~ Yes all the mannequins have boobies. Now put her shirt down.

~ Mustard is not a drink.

~ No, you may not jump on your brother’s back.

~ Those blankets are not for making slip n slide on the floor. Please put them back.

~ Goodest is not a word.

~ No you may not use your sister’s toothbrush.

Perhaps though, it is the things they say that are the keenest.
(Of course, those are noted those as well.)
Here are a few for fun…

“Please don’t touch my boobies Emory. Some day they are going to go out”.

"I'm not Catholic. I'm vegetarian."

“Mom, when did we meet?”

“Mom, when you are young again, you can have some of my toys.”

“The chair is not a sliding board, is it?” I asked. “No“ Emory said, “it’s better for a trampoline.”

Some day, I very well may return to the safety of a pharmacy. For now however, I am left to my own devices and 4 young animals children. Who knows what mother will mutter next?


KT said...

I cried I was laughing so hard when I read these. I have said "Please stop peeing on your brother in the shower"...and many other fun things. I am so glad that you keep a lits. My favorite from the kids...Tommy "I am allergic to cracks." Jake responds, "Tommy, cracks are hypoallergenic." Oh, dear. Miss you tons.

Mandy said...

That's awesome Katie!
All too fun eh?
Miss you as well
Give everyone a hig and kiss from all of us