Monday, January 23, 2012

He's Over the Hill

At dinner last night, the kids and I were chatting about daddy turning 40 tomorrow. I asked them how we know that he's now, officially "over the hill". How can you tell if someone is "old" kids?

They really got into the conversation, offering lots of sage advice on the subject, from flatulence and varied gait, to reading glasses and beer guts; the kids apparently know how to spot aging as quick as a tick in a New York minute.

They helped to compile this birthday list, for their dear old dad, who officially stepped over the hill today. He claims that "40 is the new 20" and as a result, there should be no fan fare over the occasion. He requested simply, brownie sundaes in lieu of a birthday cake. (I am quite sure this was in resistance to having us light off 40 candles over a blazing cake.) His birthday wishes were well intentioned for the kids, who happen to love an excuse to concoct a brownie sundae dripping with hot fudge. Great dad...and handsome too. After all, it did take him 40 years to look this good.

So without further ado- dear ol dad, Matt, man in the house who is over the hill, lordy lordy, he's 40, and all that jazz....

In case you were wondering what it's like to live at 40, and continue aging beyond,

my sources report that this list, which we call "39 things to determine if you're 40" will help.

1- when you start to read the newspaper

2- when you walk slower and depend on a cane

3- when you sneeze and the result looks like a small hairy rodent is trying to escape from your nose.

4-when you have more in common with 50 year olds than 30 year olds.

5- when you find talking with friends about plumbing is an interesting topic

6-when your unfashionable, old wardrobe becomes fashionable again

7- when your t-shirts develop stretch marks

8-when you think you hear things, like your bones creek, or the bathroom scale snicker at you

9-when you feel obliged to have a mid life crisis, or in this case, to attend a Metallica concert in the     springtime in Europe

10-when aroma of Ben Gay or Icy Hot is your signature smell

11- when your eye sight fails, and in your case, the doc orders you prescription reading glasses

12- driving at 40mph feels like driving at 60 mph

13- older friends assure you that the 40s are "good years"

14- you make "ahhh" noise when sitting down

15- you leave a stencil on the couch in the shape of your backside when you get up

16-when you know full well what ATARI, MASH, and CHIPS referred to in your youth

17-when you develop an unhealthy mistrust of technological advances like digital bathroom scales, speed cameras, and new mobile phones

18-when you want to just "have a nice quiet beer"

19- when you realize, sadly, that the pop culture bus has taken off without you

20-when you have the desire to drive to the seashore and just sit there

21-when you use the phrase " I was young once", but aren't sure about it.

22-when you get grey hair, or hair loss, and began to resemble a troll

23- when you begin to use the word "comfort" in selecting new shoes

24- when you have to exercise rigorously to maintain your pear shape and friction rashes develop from sweaty skin chaffing. nice.

25-when your pals give you birthday cards which make use of the drug name "Viagra"

26- when the doc actually begins to take your complaints of aches and pains seriously

27-when the health and safety inspectors are needed to insure safe lighting of candles on birthday cakes henceforth

28-a new land mass, known as gut island, grows such that your inny belly button becomes an outy

29-you realize that sometime ago, perhaps in your 20s you knew everything, but now you know next to nothing

30-you notice the school moms are looking a lot less "hot" and seem to be aging along with you

31-when you run, your gut lapses 3 paces behind you

32-your children help you cross the road

33-you wish technological advances would slow down, or even halt until you can catch up and catch your breath

34-your weekend "unshaven" look becomes your standard "rugged" look

35-you've ever used a wooden tennis racket

36-you putter around the yard; or, even worse, you day dream about puttering around the yard

37-when middle ages seems a suitable reference to you versus historical figures

38-when your back goes out more than you do

39- when you realize that the best birthdays are the ones that haven't arrived yet

Happy Birthday Matt! You old man you :)

1 comment:

The Mommy said...

Happy Birthday, Matt! Welcome to the forties! Honestly, you barely look 30! Best wishes from the Scarabellos xo