At dinner last night, the kids and I were chatting about daddy turning 40 tomorrow. I asked them how we know that he's now, officially "over the hill". How can you tell if someone is "old" kids?
They really got into the conversation, offering lots of sage advice on the subject, from flatulence and varied gait, to reading glasses and beer guts; the kids apparently know how to spot aging as quick as a tick in a New York minute.
So without further ado- dear ol dad, Matt, man in the house who is over the hill, lordy lordy, he's 40, and all that jazz....
In case you were wondering what it's like to live at 40, and continue aging beyond,
my sources report that this list, which we call "39 things to determine if you're 40" will help.
1- when you start to read the newspaper
2- when you walk slower and depend on a cane
3- when you sneeze and the result looks like a small hairy rodent is trying to escape from your nose.
4-when you have more in common with 50 year olds than 30 year olds.
5- when you find talking with friends about plumbing is an interesting topic
6-when your unfashionable, old wardrobe becomes fashionable again
7- when your t-shirts develop stretch marks
8-when you think you hear things, like your bones creek, or the bathroom scale snicker at you
9-when you feel obliged to have a mid life crisis, or in this case, to attend a Metallica concert in the springtime in Europe
10-when aroma of Ben Gay or Icy Hot is your signature smell
11- when your eye sight fails, and in your case, the doc orders you prescription reading glasses
12- driving at 40mph feels like driving at 60 mph
13- older friends assure you that the 40s are "good years"
14- you make "ahhh" noise when sitting down
15- you leave a stencil on the couch in the shape of your backside when you get up
16-when you know full well what ATARI, MASH, and CHIPS referred to in your youth
17-when you develop an unhealthy mistrust of technological advances like digital bathroom scales, speed cameras, and new mobile phones
18-when you want to just "have a nice quiet beer"
19- when you realize, sadly, that the pop culture bus has taken off without you
20-when you have the desire to drive to the seashore and just sit there
21-when you use the phrase " I was young once", but aren't sure about it.
22-when you get grey hair, or hair loss, and began to resemble a troll
23- when you begin to use the word "comfort" in selecting new shoes
24- when you have to exercise rigorously to maintain your pear shape and friction rashes develop from sweaty skin chaffing. nice.
25-when your pals give you birthday cards which make use of the drug name "Viagra"
26- when the doc actually begins to take your complaints of aches and pains seriously
27-when the health and safety inspectors are needed to insure safe lighting of candles on birthday cakes henceforth
28-a new land mass, known as gut island, grows such that your inny belly button becomes an outy
29-you realize that sometime ago, perhaps in your 20s you knew everything, but now you know next to nothing
30-you notice the school moms are looking a lot less "hot" and seem to be aging along with you
31-when you run, your gut lapses 3 paces behind you
32-your children help you cross the road
33-you wish technological advances would slow down, or even halt until you can catch up and catch your breath
34-your weekend "unshaven" look becomes your standard "rugged" look
35-you've ever used a wooden tennis racket
36-you putter around the yard; or, even worse, you day dream about puttering around the yard
37-when middle ages seems a suitable reference to you versus historical figures
38-when your back goes out more than you do
39- when you realize that the best birthdays are the ones that haven't arrived yet
Happy Birthday Matt! You old man you :)